IT IS ONLY PERFORMANCE AND NOT POSITION

A Priest dies & is awaiting his turn in line at the Heaven's Gates.

Ahead of him is a guy, fashionably dressed, in dark sun glasses, a long

shirt, leather jacket & jeans.

God asks him: Please tell me who are you, so that I may know whether to

admit you into the kingdom of Heaven or not?

The guy replies: I am Pandi, Auto driver from Chennai!

God consults his ledger, smiles & says to Pandi: Please take this silken

robe & gold scarf & enter the Kingdom of Heaven ...

Now it is the priest's turn. He stands erect and speaks out in a booming

voice: I am Pope's Assistant so & so, Head Priest of the so & so Church

for the last 40 years.

God consults his ledger & says to the Priest: Please take this cotton

robe & enter the Kingdom of Heaven ...

'Just a minute,' says the agonized Priest. 'How is it that a foul

mouthed, rash driving Auto Driver is given a Silken robe & a Golden

scarf and me, a Priest, who's spent his whole life preaching your Name &

goodness has to make do with a Cotton robe?'

Results my friend, results,' shrugs God.

'While you preached, people SLEPT; but when he drove his Auto, people

PRAYED'

WHO IS POOR

One day, a father of a very wealthy family took his son on a trip to the country with the firm purpose of showing his son how poor people live. They spent a couple of days and nights on the farm of what would be considered a very poor family. On their return from their trip, the father asked his son, “How was the trip?”

“It was great, Dad.”

“Did you see how poor people live?” the father asked.

“Oh yeah,” said the son.

“So, tell me, what did you learn from the trip?” asked the father.

The son answered, “I saw that we have one dog and they had four. We have a pool that reaches to the middle of our garden, and they have a creek that has no end. We have imported lanterns in our garden, and they have the stars at night. Our patio reaches to the front yard, and they have the whole horizon. We have a small piece of land to live on, and they have fields that go beyond our sight. We have servants who serve us, but they serve others. We buy our food, but they grow theirs. We have walls around our property to protect us; they have friends to protect them.”

The boy’s father was speechless.

Then his son added, “Thanks, Dad, for showing me how poor we are.”

PAIN AND THE SALT

Bitterness of Life

 An experienced wise master grew tired of his Disciple complaining. One morning he sent the Disciple for some salt.

When the Disciple returned, the master instructed the unhappy young man to put a handful of salt in a glass of water and drink it.

"How does it taste?" the master asked.

"Bitter," spit the Disciple.

The master chuckled and then asked the young man to put a handful of Salt in the lake nearby.

The two walked to the nearby lake. After the apprentice swirled his handful of salt into the water, the old man said, "Now drink from the lake...”

As the water dripped down the young man's chin, the master asked, "Now How does this taste?"

"Fresh Sweet" remarked the Disciple.

"Do you taste the salt?" asked the master.

"No," said the young man.

At this, the master sat beside the young man who so reminded him of himself at one time and held his hands.

He told the young man, "The pain of life is pure salt; no more, no less. The amount of pain in life remains exactly the same. However, the amount of bitterness we taste depends on the container we put the pain in

HOSPITAL WINDOW

Two men, both seriously ill, occupied the same hospital room. One man was allowed to sit up in his bed for an hour each afternoon to help drain the fluid from his lungs. His bed was next to the room’s only window. The other man had to spend all his time flat on his back. The men talked for hours on end. They spoke of their wives and families, their homes, their jobs, their involvement in the military service, where they had been on vacation.

Every afternoon when the man in the bed by the window could sit up, he would pass the time by describing to his roommate all the things he could see outside the window.

The man in the other bed began to live for those one hour periods where his world would be broadened and enlivened by all the activity and color of the world outside.

The window overlooked a park with a lovely lake. Ducks and swans played on the water while children sailed their model boats. Young lovers walked arm in arm amidst flowers of every color and a fine view of the city skyline could be seen in the distance.

As the man by the window described all this in exquisite detail, the man on the other side of the room would close his eyes and imagine the picturesque scene.

One warm afternoon the man by the window described a parade passing by.

Although the other man couldn’t hear the band – he could see it. In his mind’s eye as the gentleman by th! e window portrayed it with descriptive words.

Days and weeks passed.

One morning, the day nurse arrived to bring water for their baths only to find the lifeless body of the man by the window, who had died peacefully in his sleep. She was saddened and called the hospital attendants to take the body away.

As soon as it seemed appropriate, the other man asked if he could be moved next to the window. The nurse was happy to make the switch, and after making sure he was comfortable, she left him alone.

Slowly, painfully, he propped himself up on one elbow to take his first look at the real world outside.

He strained to slowly turn to look out the window beside the bed.

It faced a blank wall. The man asked the nurse what could have compelled his deceased roommate who had described such wonderful things outside this window

The nurse responded that the man was blind and could not even see the wall.

She said, “Perhaps he just wanted to encourage you.”

FACE THE DIFFICULTY POSITIVELY

Face difficulties positively  

This parable is told of a farmer who owned an old mule. The mule fell into the farmer’s well. The farmer heard the mule praying or whatever mules do when they fall into wells. After carefully assessing the situation, the farmer sympathized with the mule, but decided that neither the mule nor the well was worth the trouble of saving. Instead, he called his neighbors together, told them what had happened, and enlisted them to help haul dirt to bury the old mule in the well and put him out of his misery.

Initially the old mule was hysterical! But as the farmer and his neighbors continued shoveling and the dirt hit his back, a thought struck him. It suddenly dawned on him that every time a shovel load of dirt landed on his back, HE WOULD SHAKE IT OFF AND STEP UP!

This he did, blow after blow. “Shake it off and step up…shake it off and step up…shake it off and step up!” He repeated to encourage himself. No matter how painful the blows, or how distressing the situation seemed, the old mule fought panic and just kept right on SHAKING IT OFF AND STEPPING UP!

It wasn’t long before the old mule, battered and exhausted, stepped triumphantly over the wall of that well! What seemed like it would bury him actually helped him . . . all because of the manner in which he handled his adversity.

THAT’S LIFE! If we face our problems and respond to them positively, and refuse to give in to panic, bitterness, or self-pity.

LAUGH ALOUD IF YOU CAN

Sardar: My mobile bill how much?

Call centre girl: Sir, just dial 123 to know current bill status

Sardar: Stupid, not CURRENT BILL my MOBILE BILL.

Sardar built 2 Swimming Pools. And he left one of them unfilled?

When asked him, he said,

"Oye, that's for those who don't know Swimming.

Sardar: I think that girl is deaf.

Friend: How do u know?

Sardar: I told I Love her, but she said her chappals are new

Sardar: Miss, Did u call me on my mobile?

Teacher: Me? No, why?

Sardar: Yesterday I saw in my mobile- "1 Miss Call".

Judge: Don't U have shame? It is d 3rd time U R coming to court.

Sardar to judge: U R coming daily, don't U have shame?

Sir: What is difference between Orange and Apple?

Sardar: Color of Orange is orange, but color of Apple is not APPLE.

Sardar in airplane going to Bombay. While its landing he was excited and shouted: " Bombay ... Bombay "

Air hostess said: "B silent."

Sardar: "Ok. Ombay. Ombay"

Sardar got a sms from his girl friend: "I MISS YOU"

Sardarji replied: "I Mr YOU" !!.

Son: papa, 4+3 kithne hai?

Sardar: ullu ke patthe, gadhe, idiot, naalaayak, besharam, tujhe kuch nahi aathaa? Jaa andhar se CALCULATOR le ke Aa..

After finishing MBBS Sardar started his practice.

He Checked 1st Patient's Eyes, Tongue & Ears with a Torch & Finally Said: "Oye, Torch is okay"

A Sardar, a German and a Pakistani got arrested consuming alcohol which is a severe offense in Saudi Arabia, so

for the terrible crime they are all sentenced 20 lashes each of the whip.

As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheik announced:

'It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping.'

The German was first in line; he thought for a while and then said:

'Please tie a pillow to my back.'

This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes & the German had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain.

The Pakistani was next up. After watching the German in horror he said

smugly: 'Please fix two pillows to my back.'

But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes & the Pakistani was also led away whimpering loudly.

The Sardar was the last one up, but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said:

'You are from a most beautiful part of the world and your culture is one of the finest in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!'

'Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful highness,' Sardar replied.

'In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes..'

'Not only are you an honorable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave.' The Sheik said with an admiring look on his face.

'If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it.' And what is your second wish?' the Sheik asked.

Sardar smiled and said, 'Tie the Pakistani to my back' !!!

'SINGH IS KING'

.

 Man: Is

 there any way for long life?

 Dr: Get married.

 Man: Will it help?

 Dr: No, but the thought of long life will never come.

 ------------ --------- --------- ----

Why do couples hold hands during their wedding?

 It's a formality just like two boxers shaking hands

 before the fight begins!

 --------- --------- --------- --------- --

 Wife: Darling today is our anniversary, what should we do?

 Husband: Let us stand in silence for 2 minutes.

 ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --

 It's funny when people discuss Love Marriage vs

Arranged.

 It's like asking someone, if suicide is better or being

 murdered.

 ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --

 It is difficult to understand GOD. He makes such beautiful

 things as women

 and then he turns them into Wives.

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --

 If u r married please ignore this msg,

 for everyone else: Happy Independence Day

 ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --

 Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking

 about something you

 say.

 After marriage, he'll fall asleep before you finish.

 ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --

 There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster

 than electronic

 banking.

 It's called marriage.

 ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --

 Girlfriends r like chocolates,

taste good anytime.

 Lovers r like PIZZAS, Hot n spicy, eaten frequently.

 Husbands r like leftovers, eaten when there's no

 choice.

 ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --

 Man receives telegram: Wife dead-should be buried or

 cremated?

 Man: Don't take any chances. Burn the body and bury the

 ash.

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --

 Q: Why dogs don't marry?

A: Because they are already leading a dog's life!

 ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --

here was this guy who told his woman that he loved her so

 much that he

would go through hell for her. They got married and now he is

 going thru hell.

 ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --

 Fact of life: One woman brings you into this world crying

 & the other

 ensures you

 continue to do so for the rest of your life!

 ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --

 Q: Why doesn't law permit a man to marry a second

 woman?

 A: Because as per law you cannot be punished twice for the

 same offence!

 ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --

 Here comes the Ultimate One :)

 Prospective husband: Do you have a book called 'Man,

 The Master of Women'?

 Salesgirl: The fiction department is on the other side,

 sir.

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